Mario’s Musings (Star Wars Edition): Rankings
Alright, it’s Star Wars (and the holiday) season. The Rise of Skywalker, effectively the last Star Wars movie to focus on the Skywalker family, releases tonight. So let’s do a quick ranking of the Star Wars movies, from worst to first.
10. Episode II: Attack of the Clones
I’ve watched some bad romantic comedies, and I’m currently writing one (also bad), but let me tell you, I’ve never seen such awkward romance in my life. It’s baffling that the guy that gave us Han and Leia somehow gave us the awkward romance of Anakin and Padme. Plus, the story of the movie is such a “hey, the next movie is going to have all the cool stuff” tease that makes this movie feel like nothing matters. And I absolutely hated seeing Yoda wield a lightsaber, because it killed whatever mystery there was about Yoda as a Jedi Master. Lifting an X-Wing out of the swamp? Awesome. Doing backflips like a luchador? No, I’m good; leave that in the garbage where it belongs.
Now this movie does have some redeeming moments, Anakin’s reaction to his mother’s death is a great moment. His explanation of what happened to Padme afterward is anything but. Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan playing Jedi Detective was another redeeming quality. He can make anything work for the most part, including Lucas’ dreadful writing.
“Good job.”
9. Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
I might hate this more than Attack of the Clones, but that’s only because THIS was the movie I had to sit through TWO dreadful prequel films for. Between three awful lightsaber fights, more awkward romance scenes between Anakin and Padme (“I love you, no I love you!”), this might be worse than Attack of the Clones, but honestly, it’s a tough call and I can’t rank this the lowest despite all the bad things contained within.
Wait a minute Mar, what do you mean three awful lightsaber fights? Well, since you asked nicely…
The fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan goes on forever, to the point where they’re swinging on ropes at each other, I was half expecting the two of them to jump into go-karts and swing at each other.
Then there’s the fight between Palpatine and Mace Windu, where even Martin Scorsese hasn’t learned to stop putting old people in fight scenes (for those of us that have seen the Irishman). Seriously, that fight is nothing but close ups of Palpatine and Windu making funny faces at each other. And then Yoda fighting Palpatine is terrible, as Lucas magically turns Palpatine into a cackling B-movie villain.
The only shining spots in this movie are the opera scene between Palpatine and Anakin, most things Obi-Wan, and the Order 66 scene. Everything else, including Anakin’s turn into Darth Vader, falls completely flat.
8. Episode I: The Phantom Menace
This movie has the most Jar-Jar and it somehow isn’t the worst. But it does feature kid Anakin being overly enthusiastic and blowing up a ship by accident, creating C-3PO, and an army battle set on the Windows XP desktop wallpaper. And it’s the start of George Lucas magically making Samuel L. Jackson completely boring for three movies. That takes talent.
7. Solo: A Stars War Story
I know what you’re thinking, MARIO not liking a movie where Han Solo is the star? You’re damn right. The problem with this flick starts with casting Alden Ehrenreich. He’s a great actor, the only problem is he looks more like a young Jack Nicholson rather than a young Harrison Ford. You know who looks like a young Harrison Ford? Anthony Ingruber, to the point where he even played a young version of Harrison Ford in the movie Age of Adaline. Seriously, he even sounds like Ford.
Honorable mentions go to Donald Glover’s Lando though, because he kills it in a way I wasn’t expecting. Less honorable mention goes to bringing back Darth Maul.
6. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Honestly, I rank this as high as I do only because I love that Vader lightsaber sequence right before the start of A New Hope, and Ben Mendelsohn being such a perfect mid-level flunky of the Empire who thinks he’s a bigger deal than he is.
Other than that, I couldn’t tell you anyone’s name in this film.
5. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
I’d rank this higher, but Ewoks are the only thing in Star Wars I hated less than Gungans. Also, those scenes on Endor seem to take forever. Then there’s Luke’s plan to save Han from Jabba the Hutt, which makes no sense, and then reusing the Death Star trope (and not for the last time).
But on the bright side, there’s Luke becoming a stone cold Jedi, as well as any interactions between him, Vader, and the Emperor. Their lightsaber battle in the Death Star with the Emperor providing color commentary is a genuine highlight of the entire Star Wars saga, as well as Luke’s defiant stand against the Emperor when he tells him to kill Vader.
Unfortunately, this movie‘s biggest sin is wasting Han Solo. He’s just… there.
4. Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
I know there’s going to be some people upset about this being ranked so high, but let’s be honest, this movie gives us Puppet Yoda again, grumpy Jedi Master Luke, a creative way of going into warp speed, and using the Force on a lightsaber in one of the most awesome ways imaginable. Sure, the casino scenes were a bit weak, and Benicio Del Toro’s stutter added an extra hour to the film’s run time, but this movie does so much right that people seemed to have forgotten it.
And that final scene between Luke and Kylo is vintage Star Wars, especially when the reveal happens:
“See you around, kid.”
3. Episode VII: The Force Awakens
This movie hit me in the feelings. I was so excited to see a new Star Wars movie featuring the original characters that this felt like a once in a lifetime event. And let me tell you, it was. Seeing an older Han and Chewie interacting with new characters was like Christmas for a big Han Solo fanboy like myself.
And the new characters are worthy additions to the Star Wars Universe. Rey, Finn, and Poe each bring something different to the franchise, and fill the void that the old characters would eventually leave perfectly. And let’s not forget Kylo Ren, who shows what happens when legacies go bad.
And I’ll openly admit that I got teary eyed when Kylo Ren killed Han Solo. That moment still sticks with me.
2. Episode IV: A New Hope
The one that started it all comes in at number two. I mean, what is there really to say? This movie gives us Luke, Han, Leia, Chewie, Darth Vader, R2-D2, C-3PO, and Obi-Wan Kenobi for the first time, and they would be pop culture icons for the next 40 years.
1. Episode V: Empire Strikes Back
For me, Empire is the greatest Star Wars movie of all time. It’s such a “to be continued” type movie, and features the greatest twist in cinema history, as well as one of my favorite ad-libbed lines (“I know.”) This movie is basically the Han Solo show, as he’s more of a main character in this than Luke Skywalker is. Luke spends most of the film on a swamp planet getting further trained as a Jedi by Yoda, whose zany antics were sorely missed in the prequels. And of course, we’re given the gift of Lando!
And of course, my favorite lightsaber fight (and quite honestly, the best in all of Star Wars) between Luke and Vader happens here, where Luke is barely hanging with Vader but Vader still feels the need to fight dirty because why not? He’s Darth Vader.
All in all, this is a great saga to go through every year or so, and I can’t wait to see the final chapter of the Skywalker Saga tonight.